Six months ago Lindy and I took a leap of faith to start Go For Hope, fully expecting it to take off and be awesome from the beginning. The most difficult thing about jumping into the unknown is not the act itself but the internal struggle of faith versus fear. It isn’t falling that we fear, but crash-landing, and more precisely, the pain and devastation of failure. Fighting that fear is the hardest thing in the world.
Some days are harder than others. Last Sunday was one of the toughest. Faith and passion gave us a running start off the cliff, only to find ourselves hurtling toward the ground a few short months later.
Our fledgling organization was at the financial breaking point. Our “backup donors”, those who want to help but can’t make a regular commitment, were tapped out and unable to contribute. Several weeks would pass before the arrival of another scheduled support check.
So on Sunday when my pastor asked me to start a bible reading plan (and journal it – gah…) I said yes on the outside but my mind was already looking for excuses. I was emotionally drained from countless appointments, meetings, calls and emails, lists of to-do’s, pending deadlines and unfulfilled requests. My job, as I saw it, was to raise funds and promote awareness. Everything else was noise to block out. If I put my head down and worked harder, maybe I could prevent a horrible fall…
Monday almost passed before I received a reminder email about the bible reading (and journaling – gah…) plan that we started. The light of accountability illuminated my weaknesses, and I went to bed praying for the resolve to start. Tuesday morning I started into my usual routine, opened my laptop in front of me and fired up my email. Texts and Facebook messages were lighting up my phone so I set it to the right. I wedged my bible and the journal into the tiny space on the left. That is a tragically accurate picture of how I often approach my day – putting the the most important part in the small space that might be left.
I love reading the bible because it always comes alive to me. No matter where I read, or what I am going through in life, God’s Word always reflects in high definition technicolor His love for me. As I read through the prescribed chapters in the beginning of Genesis I was reminded of how incomprehensible His plan for me is. He created the heavens and the earth and everything in them – including me – for a purpose that transcends time. We are called according to His purpose.
I was somewhere in the first chapter of the gospel according to Luke when I was distracted by a new email. It was a receipt for a donation via Paypal. As I read the amount of the donation and the name of the donor I was immediately overcome with emotion and began to weep. I wept for being afraid and doubtful. I wept for minimizing God’s role in my life and trying to squeeze Him in around my priorities. I wept in gratitude of the generosity of others. God’s providence is sufficient. I need not fear the future. Through the benevolence of a donor that I had not contacted, for an amount that I would have been afraid to ask for, God showed me beyond any doubt that He is in control, watching over us, and that we continue to walk in His favor. And as long as God is for us, who could possibly stand against us?